BU

A couple of days ago I reacted on a post from Xanthe Berkeley in the Behind the Scenes class, where she talked about her vulnerability and hesitating before publishing.

Here is more or less what I wrote:
I think this is the right time to share that I am in – what I know so far – one of the most vulnerable periods in my entire life. The burnout that struck me last year hasn’t only burnt me out, but it actually melted me down. And after a total meltdown there’s first a long period of rest and then there’s a lot of rebuilding to do.
I am rebuilding myself  “my quest for the new me”.  Therefor I find it so curious that all this stuff about perfectionism, vulnerability, sharing, connecting, reaches me in this period of my life.  No coincidences.
I discovered Brené Brown’s books (The gifts of Imperfection and I thought it was just me), love her blog and she has taught me some amazing stuff.
Susan Cain and Susanah Conway are next on my “wish to read” list.

The Ted talk from Susan gave me another push in the right direction and confidence too, namely that I’m on the right track now.
I realize that I am what she is describing: a shy girl when I was little and, apart from my shy mom, living in an environment that mocked me because I preferred reading instead of getting loud on the beach or elsewhere.
I like the beach, but in my own, quiet way.  I love walking in the rain, but never dared till now because people might think I was crazy.

What I’m learning now, is
that I do not have to do all that loud stuff,
that I can go walk in the park with my umbrella and my rubber boots when it’s pouring outside,
that people just need to accept me for what and who I am, because proving myself and others that I was capable of “surviving” in their “loud world”, has literally made me sick.
That it’s good to be vulnerable, to give in to emotions, be it laughter or tears.

My last boss  – the one I was working for when the burnout hit me – ordered me once  “don’t be so vulnerable, stop being emotional”.  What he really meant was: don’t be such a woman (!!??), and with emotional he meant about anything that wasn’t pure business, I think the French word “sec” describes it well.  For 8 years I lived a life that wasn’t mine, I played the hard businesswoman (which is not me at all) and I slowly burnt up inside.

I realize now that I should have reacted, that I should have stood up for myself – as I would have for someone else.
I promise myself that I will never let that happen again, for actually, it’s harassment.
An employer demanding something like that from an employee is slowly strangling that person from the inside.
And that brings me to the title of this post: BU

Have a nice BU rest of the week!
Marleen

 

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3 thoughts on “BU

  1. How I feel just the same as you why should we be who we are not ? We need to shout but quietly, be firm with others and ourselves just to be. Visiting from Behind the Scenes

  2. I love your blog! I am amazed the scope of it-and that you have only been blogging since March!? I’m a little confused by the dates: shows as 10/7/2012- isn’t that October 7th?

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