A fear letter word.

I hope one day, fear will leave me.  Until now it has been my “companion” for as long as I can remember.
As a child I was afraid of many things, wild games, the dentist, those awkward devices in the gym room… you name it, I was – and am – afraid of it.  I always think too much, too long about something.  In my frightened mind I see things happening that probably never did and never will…

I was 19 when I looked straight into my father’s eyes the moment he died from a fatal heart attack at the age of 45.  I guess his fear and mine joined forces, grasped me and have never released me.  I’ve tried everything to free myself from its grip: relaxation, hypnosis… I’m already glad when in very anxious moments, I’m able to not loose complete control, that’s the best therapy has done for me so far.
Fear and shame, they come together.  Telling about those fears to other people lead to shame.  Remarks as: overreacting, over-worrying, exagerating, histerical, pop up quite easely, that and strange, mocking looks.  Most people don’t understand why I totally freak out when my 28 year old son isn’t home at the moment he told me he would be and I can’t reach him by phone because he fell asleep somewhere.
The label “cowardness” is also common. And finally you end up being totally alone with your fears.

I recently discovered the book “I thought it was just me” from Brené Brown.  A comforting eye opener to me.  I can recommend it to anyone living in fear or shame.  Chapter by chapter she’s convincing me that talking about your fear (and shame) actually is very courageous, quite the opposite of cowardness isn’t it?

In Beyond Layers day 17, Kim Klassen tells us about her fears (there it is again, no coincidences), especially during a particular difficult period in her life.  I relate so well to her story.  Fear is a constant struggle, it’s paralysing, it’s with you night and day.  The periods when I feel particularly vulnerable, fear just laughs at my face.  It makes me afraid of going to sleep, and of waking up.  Until finally I end up being frightened of fear itself.  But I keep searching for a solution, and I hope that one day, this Fanatic-Energy-Absorbing-Rage will move out.

Kim asked us to make a b/w image for day 17.  B/W can add a more dramatic impact on images, therefore I chose a comforting subject, because fear is allergic to comfort.

How it was made?
A b/w overlay, some playing with the levels and contrasts, KK’s texture “Not too Shabby” added at 100% soft light and brushed away here and there, vignetting + type added.
Thanks for visiting and watching!

Marl1

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4 thoughts on “A fear letter word.

  1. Hi Marl
    I love what you’ve written here and as I read I was thinking about my favourite book on this subject called The Gifts of Imperfection by……would you believe it ….. Brene Brown! I believe that she has just published another book called Daring Greatly which I’m looking forward to reading. I missed this topic in ” Beyond Layers II” while I was on holiday so I’ll have to go back and try to catch up now. Thanks for this honest description of fear.
    Anne

  2. Hello Anne, thanks for your sweet comment. The Gifts of Imperfection was the first book I read of Brene Brown (being a perfectionist, It was an eye opener for me!). And I love the sub-title of that book: “Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are”.

    Totally understand the catching up thing you’re talking about! Just returned from holiday yesterday, and trying to catch up with BL with TT and the just started Behind the Scenes. I had hoped to be able to follow on my holiday, but couldn’t get a decent wifi connection. But, it was a splendid holiday week! :-)

  3. I really enjoyed reading “A fear letter word” thank you so much for sharing!
    I found your blog at Reflection of you.

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